Monday, October 28, 2013

Week 14, 5 days

Week 14 has been a trip to say the least. Tuesday the 22 I spent the whole day at the hospital ER after a night of some serious pain for me. After an ultrasound (baby was doing some gymnastics!) I was released in the early afternoon....that was quickly halted as I couldn't walk upright. The ER doctor came over and sent me for an ultrasound of my appendix and gall bladder. After a long time the tech and radiologist looked very concerned and said they couldn't say for sure but they thought I did have appendicitis. This was incredibly annoying to me because when I walked in at 10 am I told everyone that was what I thought was wrong. Soon after I met Will downstairs again I met the surgeon and my midwife at my bed. Basically I had two choices, wait for an mri and to determine if it really was appendicitis or just have the surgery not knowing and risking having a miscarriage and perfectly normal appendix. So the surgeon was able to get a local imaging center to see me immediately (in hospital terms which means 3 hours). Will and I went by ambulance and we waited there for an hour. Let me tell you...having an mri sucks when you have a history of anxiety and panic attacks. I ended up crying and hyperventilating by the end of it. By the time I got to the hospital again the surgeon was waiting for me and he was pretty adamant that even though the mri was inconclusive that I was having surgery within an hour. I was feeling worse by this time and felt that I probably needed the surgery. The whole time the reason it took so long to get to the surgery is that 1. I'm pregnant and 2. No one was really sure I had appendicitis because I wasn't in excruciating pain at any point. The surgeon just kept saying he couldn't be sure because of my lack of physical symptoms (low fever, hungry, not doubled over in pain). When I got to the OR (at almost 10 pm) the surgeon had gotten a second opinion and assured me that it was indeed appendicitis. Next thing I knew I was saying bye to my mom and Will and being wheeled to the OR. It was weird to be making jokes to the team and the anesthesiologist about how I have babies at home to avoid surgery and yet here I was. Both men kept asking if I really had my babies without drugs which they found to be insane apparently. And I was asleep. The pain I felt after the surgery (at least it was laparoscopy) was what I imagine the doctor was expecting me to being feeling before in the ER. I have never felt so bad in my life. Coming out of anaesthesia and the abdominal pain was intense and panic inducing. I barely remember the couple of hours after I went to my room. There were some nurses that Will yelled at when they were pushing on my stomach to check for the baby's heart beat with a Doppler, some lady in the bed next to me watching some awful show as loud as she could, me needing help to get up just to go to the bathroom. Morphine and antibiotics, an IV that hurt and blood pressure being continuously low. Wednesday morning Will left because he had to sleep before working the overnight and I was alone until my mom came. The surgeon came and said I had to stay another night because my blood work wasn't good yet and I was still in a lot of pain. He said that he didn't expect my appendix to be as bad as it was when he went in because I wasn't showing symptoms for as severe an infection as I had. I guess it was close to perforating by the time I had the surgery. Thank goodness it didn't! After more pain meds and antibiotics and my Mil and friends coming to visit, the next afternoon (Thursday) I was able to go home after normal blood work. I've been at my mom's house ever since because Will has been working overnights and doubles. I'm feeling a lot better but not 100% yet. I'm just happy things turned out fine and little baby is doing great considering what he/she went through with me. Let's hope for the next few months to be as uneventful as possible ;)
My next post is going to be one I wanted to post last week but want to write for a friend who wanted me to write my birth stories so in honor of Gabriella's 2nd birthday last week that's what I'll be doing.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

A big announcement

We are very excited to announce we are expecting baby #3 in May 2014! The girls are very excited and so are we. We had an early miscarriage last May so we were hesitant to share the news but we are so happy that we want everyone to know! So now you do! Looking forward to feeling better as the first trimester (I'm 11 weeks) comes to a close and share more pictures as we grow!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The hard stuff

V's dad isn't and never really had been a big part of her life. There have been times when he has been more present than others but for the most part he just isn't there. I've dreaded the day when the questions would come and how I would answer them as truthfully as I could without crushing a little bit of my little girl's heart. Because honestly, the fact is that even though he isn't always there, for the times that he has been she loves him and now its too late for her not to miss him.

Today was one of those days. Her dad has been battling numerous issues that I won't get into because they are his own to talk about. Those issues however make it so that V hasn't seen him in quite some time. While we were eating lunch she was talking about her dad and how she hasn't seen him and he is never at her grandparents' house anymore. I simply said "well daddy has things going on that make it hard for him to be around you and be a good example right now and he is trying to get his things in order so he can be the best daddy he can he can be to you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to see you." She said okay. I gave her a hug and kiss and she went about her merry way.

But here's the thing. I lied. I lied like it was my job (I mean technically it was at that moment). Because the only part of what I said to her that I know is true for a fact is that he has shit going on (of his own choosing) and that he isn't a good example for her. I know for a fact that he isn't doing much to get life together. I don't know that he even so much as thinks of V. He certainly hasn't shown much responsibility or interest in her in the 5 years of her life.

And you know what? That pisses me off because as much as she drives me nuts I know what I have here on my hands. I have an amazing hunan being and I'm so grateful to be her mother. After a long day of yelling and complaining about not being a maid I look over at my sleeping girl and I feel happy that she's mine. The biggest part of why he and I didn't work out was because of his disinterest in parenthood. That's a no go for me so five years later of a terribly cliche and depressing (to think about now) relationship we were over and I couldn't be happier.....except for the part where I have to explain shitty situations to my kid. That's not over and it won't ever be if he keeps on the track he's on.

So I thought she was fine with my answer but she came back and asked me if Will is her real daddy or if N is. Well hard question kid. Will has been in her life since she was a year and a half, he puts a roof over head and food in her tummy, more clothes that she could ever need on her back, takes care if her when she is sad or sick, does fun stuff with her among so many other things. You know shit dads do. He's not perfect but he's here and he tries and more than anything else I know for a fact that he loves her and wants her to love him more than anything. So I told her those things and I told her that what makes N her dad too is that they share the same genes and he loves her too. Done. She walks away.  I breathe again.

Will comes home from work and V says "daddy, you know what makes you my real daddy? You feed me and live with me and buy me clothes and toys and read stories to me in funny voices and give me medicine and tuck me in and carry me...." Will looks at her and says and I love you. She looks at him and says I love you too and literally jumps into his arms. I almost cried. Partly because they both seemed so happy, partly because it makes me happy that she knows that she is loved by Will, and partly because I'm just sad that she had to ask what makes who a real daddy.

A real dad is the guy who's there for you all day every day for the rest of his life. He is not perfect and he makes mistakes but his love never wavers and you are always important to him and not just when he wants to impress people. I know these questions are just starting and as she gets older I'll give her more truthful answers because I'm not covering up for anyone. For now I'm just happy she knows what being a daddy really means.

Friday, April 26, 2013

locks of love

v was so very happy to have her hair cut today and donate it. she was impatient as she waited for her turn at the salon and asked the receptionist twice how much longer she would have to sit around. when it was finally time for her to sit down in the chair it was hard not to cry. partly because she was so very happy and sure of her decision and partly because i knew she would look so grown up which to me is just NOT okay. needless to say she went through with it and proceeded to spend the new few hours at the mall telling everyone who would listen that she just cut her hair and was giving it away. she got a lot of high fives which it pretty awesome when you're 5.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

its the little things

supermodel v.

daddy teaching her the ropes.

jumping for joy.

practicing her t-ball skills.


silly girl.

bubble blowing.

shadows and bubbles.

little hands that melt my heart.

its days like today that i feel so lucky to be able to be home with my girls. there are moments almost everyday that i wish i could go to school or work just to talk to adults but then there are the moments like these that remind me that i'll never look back on my life and wish i didn't spend my days chasing little people who are truly happy just to play with soap and flowers. 


If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee. And if I was a tree growing tall and green All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves. 

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod. If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod. If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug. And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug. 

the girls were dancing to barry louis polisar's song 'all i want is you' and when i heard the lyrics as they twirled around it hit me how true they are. these two will be little partners in crime for life and it makes me so very happy to know that they have each other no matter what. i hope they will be best friends and that they will go together like the words above because really, what's better than having a sibling who knows the real you and still loves you ;) 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Human rights for everyone

So very excited to see what happens in d.c. with the supreme court hearing on gay marriage! Its ridiculous to me that people genuinely believe that any two people should not have the right to marry because of their own view of what marriage is. I think government should have no say in marriage. Like at all. As a married woman it still pisses me off that if my husband and I weren't married we would not have the same rights as other married couples in regards to taxes, in case of emergency or death, and in matters related to our children. Let's say my husband was only my boyfriend and he was in an accident and coma. And my mother in law (who is awesome and would never do that to me) decided I couldn't see him then guess what? I'm shit out of luck because I'm not next of kin. Its not just marriage to anyone. Its about all the rights that go along with a stupid piece of paper that makes all the difference.

I believe that religion needs to stay in our own being. There are many different belief systems in the world and people are delusional if they think their one religion is going to dictate the laws of a country that is so incredibly diverse. Don't like it, don't look....I use that motto for breastfeeding as I do for many other things that do not include the harming of others.

On another human rights issue...this week is gential integrity awareness week in d.c. as well. Some may not know that I do not support routine infant circumcision. Well now you do. I don't judge those who just thought it is what you're supposed to do or don't understand that for the most part it is purely a cosmetic surgery. However,  I do hope that people will research this before they choose to have their son's body permanently altered. I'm not against circumcision if that's what a consenting adult wants to do. I am against it when the person whose body is being forever altered for no reason cannot speak for themselves.  This is not a parenting choice.  This is not your penis. Your child is not property and their body is their own. Research the myths. Many many men in other countries are perfectly happy with their bodies the way they were meant to be. If you wouldn't do this to your daughters or believe and fight for your daughters' right to choose what happens to their bodies then I urge you to do the same for your sons. I'm sure some may be offended by my stance but its not judgement on my part. I just hope that others will really research and watch videos to truly understand. I know I didn't even think about it until someone asked me to educate myself and it changed my whole view.

I bring these two things up because while we have come a long way as a society we are still so far behind in so many others. At the present moment these two issues are being fought for in our nation's capitol and we need to really look at ourselves and see what side we stand on and why.

Monday, March 25, 2013

masks and sunflowers

sometimes we play and things are great. other times we play and things aren't so easy. yesterday was one of those days that encompassed both scenarios. thankfully my parents and sister came around to help me out so we were all a little bit happier. spring break is this week so hopefully we will find some fun things to entertain ourselves. 

chubby baby hands and chin.

v. and g.


the sunflower sprouts.

hoping we get some beautiful flowers.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

52 week project fail

I will admit that I failed horribly at this project. I really wanted to keep up, i swear but well i just didn't. i did however take some cute pictures of v and g so here they are.
bath time fun.
sleepy girls.

where i live.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

solitary life

for the most part that is how i live my every day. sometimes i like it that way because i find it stressful to go out with v and g. honestly i would rather stay home and let them destroy my own house then feel the stress and embarrassment that i do when i try to get them to listen and not throw things in public or in someone's home. all that would be okay i guess since they won't be little forever if maybe i had some time to talk to other people besides my mom on a regular basis. some days i go the whole day without talking to my husband. 

my best friends are a great group but none of them have children and they are living their lives. i would love to be able to see them on my own or be able to call them and actually have a conversation. i think the last time i saw one of my friends without the girls in tow was in october for my birthday and i can't remember the last time i was able to call any of them. i desperately want to know about their lives and what's going on with them but truthfully i can never seem to find the opportunity to be able to devote my whole attention to a conversation and that isn't fair to them. one of the downfalls of being a young mother. by the time my little ones are old enough for me to go to work and see my friends they will probably be having their babies. i can't wait for that for them but i'm afraid to move farther away from them as time goes on.

i'm 22 years old but i feel like i'm living the life of a grandma confined to a nursing home. while i love being at home with my girls sometimes i feel stuck. i used to look forward to work so i could see my co workers and talk about whatever other than what new mischief curious george is getting into. i didn't like the stress of school but i liked learning new things and feeling productive. i love to read but i don't do that anymore because it takes me months to read a book that would normally take two days to knock out. i don't know who i am other than momma anymore though if i really think about it i guess that's always been my only role and i just had other things i had to do along with mothering. 

i dont want to stop doing that. i'm happy to be the one raising my girls but i feel like i can't do that right either. i'm not crafty or creative in really any way, i yell too much, i crave alone time. i'm resentful of my partner sometimes because i "work" on average 15 hours every day with very active kids and get woken up a few times a night and i rarely get to sleep in, i do all the housework, i never have privacy and while i'm writing this he's out watching fights at a friend's house after being at work for 8 hours just because. i just wish i had the opportunity to have some time to talk to my friends that i feel so far away from or have something that is just for me because i'm doing a million things for everyone all day. 

i don't mean to rant but i just feel so lonely so often that i just need to put it down somewhere so maybe i can figure out how to fix it if i can. i know i'm lucky to be home and have two beautiful children so i feel guilty even feeling unhappy :(

Monday, January 14, 2013

52 week post

I've neglected this blog for about a year...many things have happened. We got married in March!! I graduated from college in May and Victoria finished her first year of school, we had a fantastic summer vacation with my family in Puerto Rico, had a first birthday for our little Gabby and many other wonderful memories and events throughout the year. I've decided to start back up partly because I got a really cool camera for my graduation and want to dedicate time to learning to use it. Previously I've used 35 mm manual cameras and loved to develop my own film and prints but that becomes super expensive and a darkroom is hard to come by these days. I found a great this cool 52 week photo challenge by Paint the Moon through a fb friend and decided to give it try on here since I don't have their editing sets (unfortunately). of course i'm behind two weeks already but anyone who knows me knows that procrastination is a gift of mine. I work well under pressure and since I don't have school to do that for me I think this project will do for now :)