Saturday, March 16, 2013

solitary life

for the most part that is how i live my every day. sometimes i like it that way because i find it stressful to go out with v and g. honestly i would rather stay home and let them destroy my own house then feel the stress and embarrassment that i do when i try to get them to listen and not throw things in public or in someone's home. all that would be okay i guess since they won't be little forever if maybe i had some time to talk to other people besides my mom on a regular basis. some days i go the whole day without talking to my husband. 

my best friends are a great group but none of them have children and they are living their lives. i would love to be able to see them on my own or be able to call them and actually have a conversation. i think the last time i saw one of my friends without the girls in tow was in october for my birthday and i can't remember the last time i was able to call any of them. i desperately want to know about their lives and what's going on with them but truthfully i can never seem to find the opportunity to be able to devote my whole attention to a conversation and that isn't fair to them. one of the downfalls of being a young mother. by the time my little ones are old enough for me to go to work and see my friends they will probably be having their babies. i can't wait for that for them but i'm afraid to move farther away from them as time goes on.

i'm 22 years old but i feel like i'm living the life of a grandma confined to a nursing home. while i love being at home with my girls sometimes i feel stuck. i used to look forward to work so i could see my co workers and talk about whatever other than what new mischief curious george is getting into. i didn't like the stress of school but i liked learning new things and feeling productive. i love to read but i don't do that anymore because it takes me months to read a book that would normally take two days to knock out. i don't know who i am other than momma anymore though if i really think about it i guess that's always been my only role and i just had other things i had to do along with mothering. 

i dont want to stop doing that. i'm happy to be the one raising my girls but i feel like i can't do that right either. i'm not crafty or creative in really any way, i yell too much, i crave alone time. i'm resentful of my partner sometimes because i "work" on average 15 hours every day with very active kids and get woken up a few times a night and i rarely get to sleep in, i do all the housework, i never have privacy and while i'm writing this he's out watching fights at a friend's house after being at work for 8 hours just because. i just wish i had the opportunity to have some time to talk to my friends that i feel so far away from or have something that is just for me because i'm doing a million things for everyone all day. 

i don't mean to rant but i just feel so lonely so often that i just need to put it down somewhere so maybe i can figure out how to fix it if i can. i know i'm lucky to be home and have two beautiful children so i feel guilty even feeling unhappy :(

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